In the meantime…
Coming back to routine is hard. There is so much beauty in crawling into my own bed surrounded by my creature comforts, cuddling my beautiful babies, having cell phone service at my fingertips… (I feel like my subconscious choice to list my bed above my babies might say something about my life right now)… but then there are all of the little pokey bits of reality, left behind or diminished when we fly halfway across the world, still waiting for us when we return.
One of the pokey bits of reality for me is the reality of mental illness. (Gasp. Cringe. I said it. For some reason the word crazy doesn’t seem as scary as mental illness…) Not that I consider myself to be mentally ill per-se, but clinically, yes, depression/anxiety, PTSD, and dissociative disorders do qualify as mental illnesses. The symptoms ebb and flow, and I hate to keep bringing them up, except for the fact that one viewing my life as a slide show of amazingness on social media might be tempted to forget that underneath it all is a woman who sometimes still has real, legitimate moments of “crazy” in the everyday.
So yes. My life is beautiful and sacred and I’ve heard the voice of the Father calling my family to something great and terrifying and wonderful, and I’m still trying to shake free from the effects of a whole bunch of misuse that want to creep up and drive a wedge between me and reality – me and my kids – me and my husband. And it’s annoying, but it’s not insurmountable. So surmount I shall.
In the meantime… Here’s my journal entry for today:
July 21, 2016
When the world slip-spins and lays over sideways, and I suddenly can’t trust my own thoughts or feelings, I’ll just grab on to You, Abba. I’ll hold onto You to buoy me through the waves. I’ll ride it out with You – I won’t run from You. I won’t hide my face for shame, because You’ve taught me that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’ll keep looking into Your eyes – describing the things I see You in – reaching for Your hands, listening for the sound of Your voice over the anxiety and intrusive thoughts and nonsense. I’ll bring it all to You – the things that don’t make sense, the anxieties not rooted in this now reality. None of it is too much for You, Lord.
You know me inside and out. You know what I need to pay attention to and what I need to ignore. You know every step that will lead to my healing and freedom – why would I ever run from You? Besides, where would I go? You’d find me there – You always have – You’re so faithful.
I’m a mess, but You don’t stop loving me. You don’t stop chasing me. You don’t stop LIKING me. You don’t roll Your eyes at my absurdity…
So instead of running away, I’ll run to You. When I can’t even focus my mind long enough to finish a sentence, You fill in the blanks, don’t You, Abba. Because You know me. You made me. You understand my heart’s desires and motives and passions and fears and dreams. You get what I can’t articulate and You delight in all of it.
And You pour out your grace for this enlightenment – asking me to come meet with You, not so I can fulfill some religious obligation, but so You can tell me again how much You love me. You don’t want or need my duty, Abba. You just want my attention so You can remind me that You’ve got me. And You’ve gotten me.
So no matter what I think – no matter what anyone else thinks – no matter what successes or catastrophic failures – no matter what I do or do not get done – You are proud of me. You brought the sun up for me this morning. And You’ll carry me through this day.
38And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,p neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.