Emotional Heart Attacks…

 

My “Dashboard” tells me it’s been over 3 weeks since my last post.

It’s not that I haven’t had things to share; it’s that I’ve had too many things to share.

The pipeline got clogged.

So I’ve been making bracelets for my Etsy shop.

Obsessively. Making. Bracelets.

Because making bracelets is easier than writing about the emotional decision to find our dog, Leo, a farm to explore.

Making bracelets is easier than writing about my recent reconnection with my biological family; the “God’s plan is so much bigger than I can conceive,” mind-blowing, heart-expanding, healing and eye-opening experience it has been. This is the first hint of connection in 36 years, and it’s more than I could have ever imagined.

Making bracelets is easier than experiencing the humility and gratefulness of raising funds for our trip and trusting God for something utterly beyond our control. It’s easier than driving to the passport office in shifts because all five kids and both parents have to be present to apply (but we did it!!). It’s easier than acknowledging the insane reality of what we are about to dive into, and it’s easier than anticipating the plan God has in store, knowing we are only qualified in Him because He has appointed us.

Making bracelets is easier than revisiting Isaac’s 504 academic accommodations, and dealing with boundaries and family, and friends having very dramatic birthing experiences, and burned fingers, and mysterious lumps, and strep infections, and preparing music and hearts for Easter celebrations, and on and on and on…

I told Kurt this weekend, I felt like I was having an emotional heart attack. It’s not that things have been all bad – there have been more beautiful moments than I can recount! It’s just that there has been SO MUCH all at once.

Times like these, when I sit down before a pristine white screen with a blinking cursor, my words get lost in the avalanche. When I sit down with my journal before my Father, my spirit must communicate what my mind can’t process into coherent sentences.

²⁶ And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. ²⁷ And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers^[a] in harmony with God’s own will.  (Romans 8:26-27)

I want to shut down. Tune it out. Take an emotional break. 

And sometimes, I do, for a period.

But I can’t let myself stay there. I can’t stay closed off and numb. I have to find the courage to live with my heart wide open, even when it’s overwhelming. And I have to allow God to carry my burdens when I crumble under the weight.

Obsessive bracelet-making is probably on the healthier end of the spectrum of available coping mechanisms, but I still can’t let myself get lost in it.

So I write a little post. Clear the pipeline just a bit.

Do the next right thing.

Thanks for journeying with us! I’m in awe of the love and support we have received. I’ll try to be more consistent with updates (and expound on some of the things I’ve touched on in this post)!

Until then, praying for all of you reading this post, that you would find peace and the felt presence of God in the midst of whatever storms you may be facing. ❤