Here’s why I live for Yahweh: He changes things.
It might seem foolish to build one’s life around the idea of an invisible, all powerful God. It might seem foolish to frame our experiences with the hope of future perfection – perfect relationship with a perfect Father under perfect authority with perfect bodies in a perfect kingdom. To live with that hope in mind and so endure all of these temporal things with an unreasonable sense of purpose and joy.
But I’ll take it.
Because I live for a God who sees, who hears, and who moves. And even when there is zero reason to see hope, I trust that He is working, and that eventually we will see with perfect clarity the masterpiece He is weaving with the threads of the lives of His people.
I’m building a bit of a book. I’m compiling writings from 2016, when we first felt the burden for the Balkans, all the way through present-day and when we finally make our move overseas. I just finished journals from December 2017, and I’m 80,000 words in. (That’s way too many words for half of a book.)
Two things :
1. The story is so crazy I can hardly believe it. The prayers prayed for us, the words spoken over us, the opportunities and events and experiences, but also the deep inner work the Lord has been doing in me the past few years… The dance between the agony of working through these unthinkable parts of my past and the joy of sensing God’s explicit direction and watching Him unfold the way before us.
2. I haven’t blogged in a hot minute. The last 18 or so months have been difficult. Torturous at times. Really, it started in 2016 when we said “yes” to God and “yes” to His work of preparation in our hearts (mine, especially). But since the fall of 2018, I’ve barely had the words to express myself, and the blog’s been a bit neglected.
Lifegate Church just wrapped up our Thirst Conference. All of the messages are on Facebook, I think. It was powerful.
And God moved.
As a church, we are fasting and praying – drawing circles around areas of our lives that need His miraculous touch. And there are definitely things in my life that need a straight up miracle.
Faithful God. He’s moved significantly in 2 of those things over the past 5 or 6 days. Almost as if He was just waiting for me to settle down and ask for help again.
I asked again for confirmation about our family’s move to Serbia. Please, Lord. Make it clear that this is what we are supposed to do before we uproot 6 peoples’ lives and move overseas.
And Sunday morning, through Dr. Chasteen’s message, God said to me, “You don’t need more confirmation. You need comfort. And you need courage. So I will give you those things instead.”
YES. Those things. That is what I need.
We know what we are supposed to do. It’s green lights all the way down. I just needed reassurance from my Father. And He gave that to me, in my spirit, through Pastor Mike and Sharla, through the Sunday morning message…
I wrote last year that I was feeling “benched” by God.
This past weekend, I feel like God gave me permission to get back in the game. Not in a way that ignores the past (because, believe me, I’d love permission to just move on.) But He spoke to me through Sunday night’s message, too:
“Then the Lord said to Joshua, ‘Today I have rolled away the shame of your slavery in Egypt.’ So that place has been called Gilgal [to roll] to this day.” – Joshua 5:9
“When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. ‘Where have you put him?’ he asked them.” – John 11:33-34
Show me the stone that covers the tomb of your pain and decay and shame, and I will roll it away. Here – in the promised land – before you meet your Jericho, show me the stone.
It was so validating to this whole process God has been guiding me through – the preparation I’ve sensed in my heart but couldn’t explain through any combination of verses in the Bible (though I’m sure there are other examples).
I think the last 18 months or so have been about showing me that the mess of the process and the glory of the process do not have to be separate entities.
In my heart and in my body – through therapy, through medication and back surgery and prayer and miracles – He has been healing me. In the mess and glory alike.
And now, I sense He’s giving me permission to step back into some places of ministry with my eyes firmly fixed on Him as both Lord and Healer – holding those things in tandem without shame, without games, and without fear. (Still needing grace for that last one.)
So, if you’re still with us, thank you.
We’re still GOing. And whatever this process looks like, we’d love to bring you along. I’ll try to write more often? We’ll see what happens. lol