I’m looking back through a prayer journal that I have kept since May of 2012. God is moving some things in my heart related to the 41 Factor Pastor Les has been speaking about at my church, Lifegate. It’s amazing to me how consistent God’s voice is (DUH), so I love to go back and look at the bread crumb trail He leaves me over time. (Part of hitting “publish” on this post is dropping a crumb for later.)
This is an entry from just this past February, 2015, and it speaks to how I’m feeling right now.
I feel like the called life is constantly walking along the edge of losing control – that constant knowing that without God’s constant presence, we will completely fail – and we recoil from that feeling – that danger – but the truth is, that’s precisely where we are meant to be. Dependent, humble, aware, empowered by Him alone…
I used to think uncertainty, variability, shifting circumstances, feelings of not being completely in control of my life, and a certain degree of restlessness were weaknesses in my character. That whole “tossed in the waves” verse and all. But I’m learning that those things, for me, are simply symptoms of a life surrendered.
I’m not saying that all of the above are necessarily characteristics of that kind of life. I think some all-in Christians live with great certainty and circumstantial stability. But for whatever reason, in my life, God has chosen to allow these weaknesses in me to develop a child-like dependence on Him. I’m tethered to His mercy, and I think that’s exactly where He wants me.
I don’t know what exactly He has in store for my family’s next 40 years. I do know that some of it involves overseas ministry in some capacity (now or 25 years from now). And I know that while my physical being craves stability and security – the nest egg and the 20-year-plan – my heart is up for whatever adventures He brings our way.
So if you see us take a hard left, and it seems insane, don’t worry. We’re seeking, we’re in counsel with trusted mentors, and we’re obeying God to the best of our knowledge and ability. And if you see no shift whatsoever, know the same applies. (But somehow I doubt the latter will be the case.)
Mkay. That’s all. 😉