I have a bunch of blogs in “draft” that I have yet to pull the trigger and post. It’s that whole mindful of my responsibility in writing thing I have going on – it’s paralyzing sometimes, which I know is not the point at all.
And maybe it’s because I try, with the majority of my posts, to offer some kind of uplifting hopeful note in everything – because there’s truth in that. I do carry hope as an anchor for my soul. Even when it doesn’t feel that way. Even when it feels like the anchor’s been ripped from the sea floor by the crazy tidal waves.
So when I truly feel as though a post will be a pure lament, I just keep my fingers still and refuse to share, because who needs that? Everyone has their own problems and reading about mine isn’t going to add positive to anyone’s day. Let’s just all suffer in silence together. Ready, Set, Go.
What a lie.
Ugh. I hate it when I get duped like that.
I’ve written about it before, a long time ago – how Satan’s strategy is to separate the wounded from the herd. It’s a classic predatory move. And super effective, if we let him get away from it. Because, while there are definitely a few squeaky wheels out there who seek out attention for every little thing, I think the majority of us tend to withdraw, minimize, and privatize our struggles. We’re afraid of burdening others, when in reality, that’s why community exists. We’ve been called to bear one another’s burdens.
I haven’t kept completely silent, for sure. There are people who have been praying for me through my mom’s surgery and her re-hospitalization, through strep and influenza and several different injuries, through gymnastics competitions and crazy schedules, through our son’s chronic conditions and establishing a 504 for him at school, through sleepless nights with cranky babies, through financial ups and downs, through anxiety and PTSD, through the all-the-time stress of managing a seven person household…
Even here writing it all out I feel the temptation to minimize the difficulty. So many people have it so much worse. At least I’m not dealing with XYZ, WTL, QRM… What am I even complaining about?
But the truth is, my soul is tired. And I don’t know how long we can keep up this pace. And I don’t know what needs to change about our life/schedule/routine/life choices so that we can thrive and stop merely surviving… That’s the question that keeps me up at night.
Because it feels like I’m doing something wrong when everything feels like a struggle. And maybe I am. Maybe I should listen to the internet that tells me technology is ruining my kids, or they’re in too many activities, or they’re not in enough activities, or they’re eating the wrong foods, or they’re not eating enough food, or they shouldn’t be in public school, or we shouldn’t be on these medications, or my baby’s sleeping too much during the day, or my baby’s sleeping too much at night, or my daughter should be potty trained, or we should be prepared for the collapse of the economic system and I need to have a self-sustaining farm, or my daughter’s in the wrong car seat, or we should stop having kids, or we should definitely have more kids, or I should be clipping coupons, or our toothpaste is going to give us cancer, or our cell phones are going to give us cancer, or the sun is going to give us cancer, or my cereal is going to give us cancer, or, or, or…
(I don’t mean to minimize. Most of it is good advice. It’s just that there is SO MUCH advice. Constantly.)
Is anyone else just tired? I’m so tired you guys.
And maybe sharing that with you all is enough. Maybe all of us who are so tired should just huddle up together and take a soul nap. Just snuggle in and shut the input off for a little while and just breathe deep each other’s company for a minute. I don’t want to be alone in my tired, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone either.
No clever answers. No quick-fix solutions. Just Jesus and community and loving each other.
That sounds nice, right?
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15a