Grief and Suffering, Most Recent, Scriptural Perspectives, World Travel

Lord and Healer

Here’s why I live for Yahweh: He changes things.

It might seem foolish to build one’s life around the idea of an invisible, all powerful God. It might seem foolish to frame our experiences with the hope of future perfection – perfect relationship with a perfect Father under perfect authority with perfect bodies in a perfect kingdom. To live with that hope in mind and so endure all of these temporal things with an unreasonable sense of purpose and joy.

But I’ll take it.

Because I live for a God who sees, who hears, and who moves. And even when there is zero reason to see hope, I trust that He is working, and that eventually we will see with perfect clarity the masterpiece He is weaving with the threads of the lives of His people.

I’m building a bit of a book. I’m compiling writings from 2016, when we first felt the burden for the Balkans, all the way through present-day and when we finally make our move overseas. I just finished journals from December 2017, and I’m 80,000 words in. (That’s way too many words for half of a book.)

Two things :

1. The story is so crazy I can hardly believe it. The prayers prayed for us, the words spoken over us, the opportunities and events and experiences, but also the deep inner work the Lord has been doing in me the past few years… The dance between the agony of working through these unthinkable parts of my past and the joy of sensing God’s explicit direction and watching Him unfold the way before us.

2. I haven’t blogged in a hot minute. The last 18 or so months have been difficult. Torturous at times. Really, it started in 2016 when we said “yes” to God and “yes” to His work of preparation in our hearts (mine, especially). But since the fall of 2018, I’ve barely had the words to express myself, and the blog’s been a bit neglected.

Lifegate Church just wrapped up our Thirst Conference. All of the messages are on Facebook, I think. It was powerful.

And God moved.

As a church, we are fasting and praying – drawing circles around areas of our lives that need His miraculous touch. And there are definitely things in my life that need a straight up miracle.

Faithful God. He’s moved significantly in 2 of those things over the past 5 or 6 days. Almost as if He was just waiting for me to settle down and ask for help again.

I asked again for confirmation about our family’s move to Serbia. Please, Lord. Make it clear that this is what we are supposed to do before we uproot 6 peoples’ lives and move overseas.

And Sunday morning, through Dr. Chasteen’s message, God said to me, “You don’t need more confirmation. You need comfort. And you need courage. So I will give you those things instead.”

YES. Those things. That is what I need.

We know what we are supposed to do. It’s green lights all the way down. I just needed reassurance from my Father. And He gave that to me, in my spirit, through Pastor Mike and Sharla, through the Sunday morning message…

I wrote last year that I was feeling “benched” by God.

This past weekend, I feel like God gave me permission to get back in the game. Not in a way that ignores the past (because, believe me, I’d love permission to just move on.) But He spoke to me through Sunday night’s message, too:

“Then the Lord said to Joshua, ‘Today I have rolled away the shame of your slavery in Egypt.’ So that place has been called Gilgal [to roll] to this day.” – Joshua 5:9

“When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. ‘Where have you put him?’ he asked them.” – John 11:33-34

Show me the stone that covers the tomb of your pain and decay and shame, and I will roll it away. Here – in the promised land – before you meet your Jericho, show me the stone.

It was so validating to this whole process God has been guiding me through – the preparation I’ve sensed in my heart but couldn’t explain through any combination of verses in the Bible (though I’m sure there are other examples).

I think the last 18 months or so have been about showing me that the mess of the process and the glory of the process do not have to be separate entities.

In my heart and in my body – through therapy, through medication and back surgery and prayer and miracles – He has been healing me. In the mess and glory alike.

And now, I sense He’s giving me permission to step back into some places of ministry with my eyes firmly fixed on Him as both Lord and Healer – holding those things in tandem without shame, without games, and without fear. (Still needing grace for that last one.)

So, if you’re still with us, thank you.

We’re still GOing. And whatever this process looks like, we’d love to bring you along. I’ll try to write more often? We’ll see what happens. lol

18 thoughts on “Lord and Healer”

  1. I love following along this journey and hearing how God has revealed Himself, His love for you, and His love for the Balkans, along the way. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sweet friend! So happy anytime you write! Of course we are still with you!!!!!! Prayers and any other support we are able give are yours wherever God’s plan takes you! Prayers, love blessings peace and light!!!!!! Xoxoxo ems&Reed

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you sweet friend and I am so happy to hear what God has been doing in and for you. I am SO proud of you for letting Him do the messy, uncomfortable work of healing your heart! 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We are with you friends! I am praying for you & am so encouraged for you by this post! And in you sharing, it strengthens my faith & is a testimony of our amazing, faithful, always working on our behalf God! Wow! I can’t wait to hear more that is to come!
    Also I’d love to read a book you write! That’s exciting on its own! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww I’m so glad it encouraged you! Your perspectives are always so helpful and I am so grateful you are in this with us. 💕 love you! (Not sure what’s going on with the book, but you’re definitely welcome to read! 😂)


  4. We are with you friends, always! I love reading your posts, and always leave encouraged and inspired! I love hearing how the Lord reveals things to you and how you go through the process/the hard, in order to overcome!
    I pray for continued healing, for continued confirmation and provision, for protection over your family, for His grace to cover each and every detail along the way, and for constant peace that passes understanding. Love you dear friends!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this so much! May God anoint the words He is pouring out of you, healing you and others through them. May the writing itself fill you with His comfort and courage as you GO to bear much fruit that abides. Your walk with God has been so so encouraging/affirming to me in my own. These words of yours on courage and comfort resonate with what God has been speaking to me too in my GOing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t it amazing how God speaks similar things to friends in similar situations? I’m so glad you’re feeling comforted by Him in your adventures as well! 💕 Thank you for the prayers and encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I shared this with friends of mine (also) walking through trauma/loss/chronic illness a couple of days ago and thought it might bless you too:

    Hebrews 10:23
    Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

    Can also mean, if we take alternate meanings from Strong’s Concordance and HELPS Word Study:

    As you are brought down low /humbled in your disease, firmly and without fleeing, speak to a conclusion what you welcome from afar, for he who promised is faithful.

    Isn’t that beautiful?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Me too. Especially because God has just started propelling me into podcasting (speaking His faithfulness aloud). This one touched me today (also because my One Word this year is GO – from GO and bear fruit that abides):

      1 Corinthians 10:13 (WEB)
      No temptation has taken you except what is common to man.
      God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able,
      but will with the temptation also make the way of escape,
      that you may be able to endure it.

      Look at that Word “ESCAPE” in this verse means in full:

      HELPS Word-studies

      1545 ékbasis (from 1537 /ek, “out from and to” and bainō, “move forward, march”) – properly, moving out from and to the outcome (new destination); departure; (figuratively) “the (successful) way out” which also goes on to what is new (desirable), i.e. the Lord’s outcome (1 Cor 10:13; Heb 13:7).

      So we go INTO the new, that’s what actually helps us to bear up under the pain our bodies feel…because we experience God’s faithfulness to His Promises, His courage in us and comfort to us, AS we walk forward.

      It’s moving from escaping the hard, to finding our escape WITH Jesus IN the hard, as He takes our hand to lead us into the new. Isn’t that so beautiful?!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anna. So. Good. My friend sent me this verse this morning! God’s speaking to His people. I love not just the idea of “escape” but of moving out of something INTO a new thing… purpose and intention not just fleeing the scene. SO GOOD.


      2. Amen. Thank you for this. It reminds me that each season has its purpose, also training us to walk into the next one. Everything is beautiful in His time (a verse my friend responded with, when I shared about this Word “escape” with her). Nothing is obsolete or incomplete, everything contained in God’s eternal plan of completion, healing, wholeness and belonging.


Leave a Reply to emily wagoner Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s