You guys. I’m a hardcore introvert.
Not one of those extrovert-introverts who loves to be the life of the party and then goes home to recuperate. I’m a legitimate can’t-small-talk, awkward-faced, home-body, overthinking, journal-hoarding, forgets-how-to-interact-with-humans introvert. I once spent two years almost exclusively in my bed. True story.
I say this, because I think it’s hilarious that God has called me to be a worship leader, writer/speaker/teacher-type. You know, one of those people on a platform in front of hundreds of people… And I find it doubly hilarious that God somehow thought I could handle the noise and chaos and never-alone-ness of five kids. Even better, He gave me an extrovert husband who’s idea of a dream vacation is spending a week in a huge city exploring back-hole music venues and generally being in the mix of strangers. (Lord, help me.)
I mean, does God even know me??
(The answer is ‘Yes’) lol
So when my pastor shared a blog post and my stats spiked from an average 0-3 views per day to over a thousand, I was naturally thrilled and terrified. I mean, it’s always been a dream of mine that I would write words significant enough to be considered worth a person’s time to read. But in my imagining, I forget that there are actual people involved in that equation. Living and breathing human beings with stories and hearts and opinions and needs.
Because, when I write, I’m conscious of all of you (readers). I think about what point of view you’re bringing to the conversation, what questions you may have, and what thoughts or feelings you might be wanting to share in response. And while I know it is not my responsibility nor even remotely possible to please everyone, I do want to make it apparent that I consider it a deep privilege to speak into any one of your lives – however briefly. I always want to communicate love first and foremost… I want to reflect he heart of the Father, and He is LOVE.
Often times my awareness of this responsibility keeps me quiet. Like I mentioned, I don’t do small talk well, so rather than risk a miscommunication about something so deeply in my heart, I just don’t speak/write at all.
But I’m learning something. When it comes to God-breathed dreams (even the scary ones), if I offer my part in humility, He takes over the responsibility piece. He is responsible for outcomes. He is responsible to work in the hearts of whomever comes across my offering. He is faithful and loving and more eloquent than I could ever hope to be. So I will endeavor to be available and to “put myself out there” with authenticity and humility, and I’ll leave the rest up to Him.
I think this is the essence of living the “called life.” And it’s something I’d like to explore a lot more this year… Come along with me? 🙂
Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say. – Exodus 4:12